


Buy Gold, Bye!

by triggerlil



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: GF, Gen, Gravity Falls - Freeform, Multi, Short, creep, just some stuff, rambles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 17:38:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 6,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4230840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triggerlil/pseuds/triggerlil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some Gravity Falls rambles, mainly centred around Bill Cipher.  (Write this shit randomly when I'm in a creepy sorta Bill Cipher mood.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fucking Brilliant!

**Author's Note:**

> All fun and games right?

“Oh good job kid, absolutely fucking brilliant”   
Dipper looked to Mabel’s slumped figure, to Bill’s floating form, and back again. He walked over to Mabel, shaking her. He gripped her shoulders, and she flopped around like a rag doll.   
“You killed your own sister, amazing!”   
“But she, she was. No! I didn’t! I DIDN’T! SHE WAS YOU, I MEAN YOU WERE HER AND I THOUGHT, AND IT DIDN’T LOOK LIKE HER AND AND-”   
“It’s funny how dumb you are!”   
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP! SHE’S NOT DEAD, YOU CAN BRING HER BACK!”   
“Maybe.”   
“BRING HER BACK BILL, I’LL DO ANYTHING! JUST BRING HER BACK!”   
“Anything?”  
"ANYTHING!"   
"It's a deal then."


	2. Don't You Dare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The great EYE of the beholder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More rambles, more fun!

Dipper rolled over on the lumpy mattress. Mabel had gone out with Candy and Grenda half an hour ago, Stan was doing who knows what, and because it was Sunday, Soos and Wendy were off from work. Normally he would have taken to reading the journal, but it was too soon after his encounter with Bill for him to really feel up to it.  
Shadows played through the room, and Dipper groaned.  
“Someone’s bored!” Called out a familiar cybernetic voice.  
“Bill!”  
“That’s my name!”  
“What are you doing here, go away!”  
“I heard you thinking about me, and you’re bored, I figured I’d pop in.”  
Dipper glared, frantically searching for the voice. Dipper wasn't scared per se, he realized that Bill was all talk. That much was apparent after what had happened in Stan's memories.  
“I am NOT all talk kid.”  
“Prove it.” The moment Dipper said it, he realized how completely stupid that was. Any sort of deal or dare with Bill was a totally deranged idea.  
“Well now you've gone and done it! I can turn your eyeballs inside out, wanna see!!”


	3. Hologram

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Candle Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The world is an illusion! Maybe Dipper is waking up from a coma, maybe this is really short and you don't feel like bothering reading it, either way BUY GOLD!

Out of the blackness surged a triangular beam of light, filled to the brim with knowledge you can’t possibly imagine. It called to Dipper, told him that the world was ready for him, and Dipper went towards it.


	4. Same old, Same old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh oh oh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this is edited, none of this is real :-) :-) :-) :-)

Oh how he cackles, oh how he moans. It follows me, everything follows me. Mabel’s eyes, Wendy’s eyes, Stan’s, even Soos’s eyes follow me. I’m no different than before. There’s nothing changed, I’m the same old “lil’Dipper”. Why does everyone treat me different, nothing’s changed. I’m me. I’m. I’m. I’m. I’m. I’m. ... ... ... Me.


	5. THE Mystery Twins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whose fault? Not mine that's for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow a little longer than normal, not by much, but a little.

“Dipper! Wait up!” Mable called, frantically trying to keep up with her twin.  
“I’m sorry I made fun of you, it’s just that Bill’s long gone, it’s been years since Gravity Falls. He can’t be following you.”  
“Mabel, sometimes you can be so fucking stupid, you know that? I can’t believe you don’t trust me, for that matter, I can’t believe you were so willing to just throw Gravity Falls under the rug. That was the weirdest, and best time of our lives. Then we get back and you immediately start chasing after some random boy!”  
Dipper winced, he hadn’t meant to be so harsh. Well fuck it, he had, but he didn’t really mean it. Well he did a little, but was it really Mabel’s fault she had wanted to black out that summer? Well yes. It was kind of her fault... Mabel was such a fuck up sometimes.  
“Gravity falls was the creepiest shit that ever happened to me, after Stan's crazy machine, after the whole trust thing, after all that I was already ready to forget literally everything. The first half was brilliant, the second half not so much. Don’t force me to recall those fucking shit memories, are you really asking me to relive all that?”  
“Yeah, I fucking am. Because I’m in danger, and your weakling appeal is stopping you from realizing that.”  
“Oh take a hike Dipper, you know it’s all in your fucking head!” Mabel huffed, and stormed back the way she came. Which was stupid, because they were both headed home.  
“Run away like you always do Mabel!”  
How had their relationship gone to utter shit like this? Back in Gravity Falls they had been THE Mystery Twins, they had been great.  
“Looks like she doesn’t believe you!” Bill chortled, the same crackly consistency springing to life inside Dipper’s head. Fuck. It would have been bad enough if Bill had been following Dipper in the physical sense, but in his head? Bill was literally in his mind, filling up his head with the strangest shit. He could barely think a single original thought without Bill clouding it out with one of his own. Maybe that’s why he had been so mad at Mabel lately. Maybe it was all Bill.  
“Common kid, you can’t blame everything on me.”  
No, Dipper supposed not.


	6. Gravity (trust) Falls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time warped memory loss :-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I picked up the bird and above the din I said  
> "That's the last song you'll ever sing".  
> Held him down, broke his neck,  
> Taught him a lesson he wouldn't forget.
> 
> But in my dreams began to creep  
> that old familiar tweet tweet tweet -Florence + The Machine

“Do you trust me?”  
“-”  
“Kid, do you trust me?”  
“-”  
“Kid. This is important.”  
“Yes.”  
The world turned to gray scale, and time slowed to trickle, if not a full stop. Dipper felt his time perception warp, until it felt like his brain was being squeezed with an elastic band, time continued to ebb and flow around them in the current that people seemed to envision time as, and yet the bottle neck area which Dipper found himself standing in was an area where everything was so slow, he could have whole monologues going on inside his head and nothing would happen around him. The warped time, the feeling it gave him, was enough to make him want to pry his brains out of his eyes just so he didn’t have to feel like this ever again.  
“So, you trust me huh.”  
“That’s what I said.” Dipper forced through gritted teeth, not willing to admit more times than he had to that he... that he.... that he trusted... he trusted... he trusted Bill Cipher. Not all the time, hah. No, not in a general sense. He didn’t trust Bill like he trusted Stan, or Wendy, or any of his friends. He didn’t trust Bill’s personality, and he certainly didn’t hold any of Bill’s words as the honest truth. Yet he had trust in Bill’s abilities, he knew that Bill was probably the best of the best.  
“I’ll help you, but you realize it’ll come at price.”  
“I figured.”  
“We’ll talk the details out later.”  
Dipper sat down in the wet grass, and tried to relax as much as possible. Time began to move forward around him, and he let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t trust Bill, but it didn’t really matter. He wanted the memories gone, and Bill seemed to be the only thing that could do that. So Dipper tried desperately to relax, hoping that whatever memory removal process was about to ensue, it wouldn’t be painful.


	7. Lust the Triangle God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twinkle Twinkle in my eye, I think It's about time I died. Haha yeah, this is suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whose point of view is this? I guess we'll never know !!

Twinkle twinkle little star,  
I wonder how far away you are.  
If I reach up my hand,  
would I even grace such a land. 

Twinkle twinkle little star,   
please come down from where you are.  
I want to hold your little waist tight.  
Cinched where it should be so everything's nice. 

Twinkle twinkle little star,  
this is the last time I ask how you are.  
I'm about to drive off a bridge in my car.  
A triangle told me this is just how things are.


	8. D&G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Northewests are everywhere.

Blue sheets, velvets skies. Where had Pacifica heard this before? Imagine a room, where the flowers they bloom, through the cracks in the floor. Oh yes she had heard this tune before. She had heard this hundreds of time, it had been the summer. That one summer. She had been walking down the street, iPhone snug in her pocket, and ear buds crackling with life. It had been the time before mystery, before misery, before everything. So she’d been walking, listening to the most popular pop songs while looking down and admiring the new shoes Mummy had bought her. When Stan’s beat up car had whizzed pass, blasting some trashy hip hop, and a boy in the back seat had been laughing along. That boy had been Dipper, of course she didn't know that yet. And Dipper had been laughing, and smiling, and happy, and she had probably been thinking along the lines of how quaint, but a strange shadow in the car, or outside the car, or a shadow that had been there somehow, had sent a queasy feeling roiling in her stomach. And when she got home Mummy had yelled at her, and Daddy had started ringing the horrible bell, and the whole day had gone to shit after that. She had felt a strange stirring whenever she saw shadows for a while after, and she hadn't understood why. A shiver had made it’s way up and down her spine when she had first seen the laughing boy, and because she was uncomfortable she had been a total bitch. Pacifica thought back to those feelings, that time, to that summer, and then thought of that little triangle man she had seen with Gideon that one time. And how the first song on his iPod that Dipper had ever let her listen to (and of course Dipper, being poor, owned only an iPod) had been Welcome to Mystery by the Plain White T’s. Either way, now that was all quite behind her, and Gravity Falls was in the middle of the school season, and everything was boring, but she still remembered the triangle man, and she remembered music, and Dipper, and all that stuff. She felt a familiar shiver down her spine, and the stirring of memories of weird shadows she had tried to keep bogged down in the back of her mind. Oh yes, she quaked in her D&G shoes.


	9. Night Terrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all Mabel now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Staying Up - The Neighbourhood

“MABEL, wake up! Wake up Mabel, you’re dreaming, it’s just a dream!” Dipper said, coaxing her from the horrible grasps of slumber. Mabel groaned and sat up, she felt the trickle of sweat down her back, and swiped at her forehead where her hair clung there in sticky strands. How could it be, after all this time, she still had nightmares. After all this time she still felt, with a strange sort of conviction, that something was out there. Honestly, why did she still have to feel the cloying hands of Gravity Falls?


	10. Never Say Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second guess yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi kids!

Well, if you ever change your mind-  
No. Dipper would never change his mind, he could be standing on the precipice of disaster, and he would never change his mind. He would not make deals with Bill. That was stupid. Disgraceful, misguided.  
If you ever change your mind-  
Nope. No no no. No changing of minds would happen here, all minds were successfully rooted.   
If you ever change your mind-  
Don’t even think about it, stop asking, Dipper was done. He was NOT changing his mind.  
Change your mind-   
Never...  
Mind-  
Well...  
If you ever-  
He wouldn't.  
Change-  
He couldn't.  
Well, if you ever change your mind you know where to find me!


	11. Spunk Does Nothing Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A (fairley one sided) discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess whose talking :-)

“What do you want from me?”   
“Nothing much.”  
“Common, just give me an answer.”  
“Well, your employer Stan owns some very powerful things.”  
“So?”  
“And I’d like them.”  
“What if I said no?”  
“You sure are popular, so many friends. Would be a shame if one of them... had some sort of, oh I don’t know... accident.”  
“Okay, I get it. What do I have to do.”  
“There are three journals.”  
“Yeah, Dipper has one.”  
“Yes, Dipper. Well, I want you to bring them to me.”   
“And what’ll you do for me?”  
“Wasn't saving you payment enough.”  
“I could have saved myself.”  
“No you couldn't.”


	12. Wax and Wane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't believe in summaries, I think they ruin the surprise. And what fun is that? None, that's what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long one eh? I was beginning to give up on myself.

The woods were much scarier at night than Dipper imagined. His key chain flashlight did nothing to dissuade the darkness, and it all seemed to lean down on him; like a spindly tree bending under the weight of a child who has hung themselves around the spine. The forest floor crackled under his foot falls, twigs, leaves, dirt, all contributing to the deafening racket he made as he waded through the foliage.  
A branch came around and snapped him in the face, it whipped across his face with a crack. As Dipper stumbled on, he reached a tentative finger to the scratch that he imagined reached from one cheek to the other, stretching across his nose by the way it stung. He stopped for a minute, shining his flashlight to his fingers where there was a slight smearing of blood. He shrugged, all in a forest walk he supposed, and carried on. Tripping this way, sliding that way. A waxing moon shone down from above, tiny gasps of moonlight peeking through the pine canopy.  
With his flashlight, Dipper consulted the journal, and looked around, except he supposed in the dead of night what good was a map going to do him? He could barely make out his surroundings. And he didn’t dare shine his flashlight on the trees because whenever he did, strange sounds burst from the prickly leaves. When Dipper stumbled across a tiny clearing, he was quite proud of himself. Said clearing was mentioned around the back of the journal, along with a map on how to get there. It was somewhere in the middle of the forest that was still Stan’s property. That was all the journal said, and violet light revealed nothing. Dipper was interested on adding to the journal, or at least being able to find something out that the original author had never discovered. Pacing around the clearing, Dipper was startled by every small rustle. He looked all over, shining his light, and combing the grass.  
Dipper was just about to kneel down to look closer at a beetle making it’s way through the grass, when a gust of wind rushed through the clearing. Dipper’s hat was lifted off his head, and Dipper scurried after it. He bent to pick up his hat, and he grasped it in his pale hands. With that, the world turned to flames and heat. Fire burst to life around him, and he was enclosed in his tiny circle as the flames raged on around him.  
“Pinetree! So wonderful to see you!” Bill cackled, moving through the flames as if through your backyard pool.  
“You again? Just leave me alone!”  
“Don’t be that way, things are different now!”  
“What do you mean?” Dipper said, and he knew his voice shook with every syllable because was it his imagination or was the fire getting closer? When there hadn't been much space to begin with.  
“I need some help kid, and you’re just the right person to do it. I said it last time, but I'm really impressed with you. We could help each other out.”  
“Never, I won’t have anything to do with you.”  
“Are you sure???”  
The heat pressed inwards, and Dipper felt it invade his thought process. His mind became sluggish, and his shirt clung to him as his body sweat like a pig being turned on a spoke.  
“The fire.”  
“What fire?”  
“Bill!”  
“Oh yes, so you do know my name? Thought maybe you just knew me as that one triangle guy.”  
“Bill, please! The fire.”  
A flame licked at Dipper’s ankle and he hopped away, yelping, only to be met with another wall of flames.  
“What is it you specifically want!”  
“I need a puppet, a really good one.”  
“I don’t think I'm really the right choice.”  
The heat was suffocating.  
“Oh come now, it would be a mutual relationship. Built on respect and consent.”  
“Does it count as consent if I'm pressured?”  
“That’s a bit of a political question, not sure I'm fit to answer it kid.”  
Dipper’s mind was swamped with memories, and at the same time he felt his rational thoughts slipping away. An urgency began to tug on his consciousness.  
“You sure are taking your sweet time Pinetree.”  
Flames leapt to Dipper’s vest, and he tried to pat them down. Blisters were beginning to form on his bare legs and arms, he felt the boiling heat clasp him by the throat.  
“FINE! Just get these flames away from me, and promise I can have my body back!”  
The fire sputtered out almost as abruptly as it had come, and Dipper stumbled out of the singed ring, collapsing in a coughing fit on the ground. His lungs heaved as they tried to bring oxygen back to his starved brain, and his skin stung like hell.  
Bill giggled behind him, and Dipper was sucked out of his own body, forced to watch as his pupils turned into slits, and Bill walked off towards the mystery shack. As he trailed after, floating in the blackness. He was grateful that he felt no pain in this ghost like state.  
“Wow this body is great! Pain is hilarious, I’m going to have so much fun with this. Oh, and by the way Pinetree, I never said I’d give your body back in one piece.”


	13. Daily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Journals with the Dip B)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a mundane glimpse into the life of Dipper Pines

8/2/2012  
Today was weird. I felt a strange sensation on my back all day while I was at the pool, and to make matters worse, Mabel was a total flop. I’d try and splash her so we could have a good time, but she would just float around groaning. I guess she’s not over her mermaid boyfriend, whatever his name was. I can’t stop worrying that maybe Bill messed up Stan’s mind for good. Nothing serious has cropped up yet, but I still worry. I hate Bill. And I hate Gideon. Although I can’t say I wish I’d never met them, this summer wouldn’t have been as interesting without them. It’s not over yet either. Mabel is yelling at me now, she says I have to turn off the flashlight because she wants to sleep.


	14. HEED AND GO HIGHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN TO ME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO ME, I KNOW WHAT I'M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT

WE ARE MADE FOR A HIGHER CALLING! THE WORLD CANNOT HOLD US DOWN, I WILL NOT LIVE IN THE BRITTLE GRASP OF SANITY! I LOOKED INTO THE GREAT EYE OF THE BEHOLDER, AND I WITNESSED THE RISE AND FALL OF THE UNIVERSE! DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF TO THIS MEAGRE EXISTENCE! RISE UP, FEEL THE HEAT, FEEL THE NEED FOR MORE. WE WERE MADE FOR A HIGHER CALLING, SO REACH UP, AND GREET IT!


	15. But Hey, What Do I KNow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing, I know nothing. Don't hurt me...

Inconsistency. Life is always changing, it’s all corporeal. Mabel could be a figment of my imagination; everything could be fake. Maybe I'm crazy, I've been imagining Mabel this whole time and everyone just puts up with me and plays along out of pity. I don’t know what Grenda and Candy are then. I mean, they have to be real right? Unless I've developed all of Mabel’s boyfriends and friends to make her seem more complex. I don’t know, but I wonder if she’s real. I mean what if my parents are sending me away because they think some time in Gravity Falls will help cure me? And they've told Stan to tell everyone. So Wendy’s only been nice to me because she knows I'm clinically insane, and her friends put up with me because hey Wendy told us to and she’s rad and this kid is so pitiable and when we go home we can laugh about him together. Bill Cypher is fake? Or is he real? What if he’s the only thing that’s real in the entire Universe. Have I made up this whole thing? Is Gravity Falls some sort of fever dream? Or maybe I'm in a coma. I'm so confused. I don’t know what’s real, I don’t know who I am. But Bill can manipulate this world, and no one else can, sometimes I think I can, so does that mean Bill and I are the only real people? I don’t know. I don’t know anything.


	16. Me, Myself, And I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's more important? Your own self-preservation and survival, or the happiness of those around you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People can cry buckets for all I care

He is everywhere, and I am nowhere. Where is Mabel? Screw that, where am I? She is my twin, but for I come first. Self-preservation. There was that one time where Wendy came first, but that was one time, like it wasn't even multiple times or over an extended period where she would have come first, I was just caught up in the moment. And like, I've learned from my mistakes. No one else comes first. Soos doesn't come first, Stan doesn't come first, Wendy doesn't come first. Not even Mabel comes first. It’s all about me. We all have to be working in self-interest if we want to survive. That’s what I didn't understand, that’s why I never got anything done. It’s why I wasn't figuring things out, wasn't catching on, wasn't rich. I didn't have money, or fame, or anything at all. No power, no glory. Zilch, nada. And it’s because I put other people first. I thought that other people’s happiness was more important than my own betterment. Gideon understood, Bill understood, to an extent Stan understood. Maybe it’s just me who didn't understand. Well I do now, and I want to save myself. Where am I? I need to get out? But where am I? It’s black, I'm trapped. I'm scared.


	17. Give Me Your All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look to the sky, here comes the triangle guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> da da da

“Take me with you! Please, there’s nothing left for me here!”   
“I donno kid, what’s in it for me?”  
“Anything.”  
“-”  
“Everything.”


	18. Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Go forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commence.

I have made a pact. I will show all those small-minded doubters what’s really going on. I was right all along. They should have listened to me, they should have believed me when they had a chance. I'm sorry Mabel, but even you didn't take this seriously. No one took this seriously. So I've made a deal, I've become a member in a partnership. Maybe someone will miss me, probably Stan and Mabel. If I'm lucky Wendy and Soos. I don’t think my parents will care, they never did. I came back from Gravity Falls for the first time and they didn't listen to me. They tutted and shook their heads behind closed doors, and thought I didn't know how they felt about me. 

“What’s got into Dipper? I'm so worried about him, all he does is talk about all those creepy things. And the nightmares. What did we do wrong?” They said. They talked to counsellors, they sent me to old people with clipboards. Then they sent me back to Gravity Falls. Without Mabel. Something about confronting the summer on my own, I don’t know. I don’t give a shit. 

So now I'm leaving and never coming back. Because someone promised me everything I could ever hope for and more, I'm pretty sure he’s lying, but I don’t care. I’ll do anything. They want me to come back to them saying I don’t believe. But I believe more than I ever did. I'm ready, I'm going somewhere I belong. And when I come back I’ll be different. Not Dipper, not Bipper. Just better. He promised me that. Wait until those fuckers see me. Wait until they realize. I'm ready. I'm ready. I have made a pact, I'm ready.


	19. Illuminate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://yapypas.tumblr.com/post/85239856264/left-and-right-2012-2014
> 
> Everybody's Watching Me (Uh Oh) - The Neighbourhood

Eyes wide, I'm a deer in the headlights. He is behind me, I can feel him. But he’s behind Mabel, I can _see_ him. So where is he? Flashlight eyes, Mabel has flashlight eyes. There’s a rim of light around her pupils. Why is she smiling, can’t she see him behind me? Or is he not there. If I turn around what will I find. I involuntarily clasp my hands in front of me. Like I'm praying. I don’t want to pray, God can’t save me. I try and move my hands back to my sides, but they won’t. Or I don’t, or can’t. I don’t know. Where can I go? Everybody’s watching me. I look down, there are two tiny rims of light on the ground. I move my head. The light moves. I have flashlight eyes. God, I have flashlight eyes. God. Will he save me. Mabel is still smiling, I don’t understand. I try and plead with my flashlight eyes, and I feel a shiver run up and down my spine. She looks up, her gaze travelling past my head. My shoulders hunch, my whole body tenses. There is one rimmed speck of light on the ground. A really thin doughnut of light. Just one. Singular. Oh God. God God God. One flashlight eye. Just one. The rim of light begins to twist. It fills out, it empties, it takes on new shapes. There’s a dark slit in a big ball of light. God. Oh God. Oh no. Please God. I didn't believe in you, I haven't believed in you, I probably still don’t believe in you. But save Mabel, save me. Please save us. Oh God. No. Jesus Christ.  
“Dipper.” Mabel says, her voice drips with sweetness. Her voice runs like honey. I don’t understand, it’s fake. Like she’s trying to convince a troublesome child to go to bed. “Turn around.”  
I don’t want to. I don’t. I think I won’t. But I do, I feel my feet start to pivot, my head start to swivel. Rivulets of sweat fall down my back. Slither down my forehead. Collect under the brim of my hat. My pine tree hat. The hat that defines me. I swivel. Pivot. Rotate. Turn around. I don’t want to, but I can’t help it. Or I can’t do anything about it. I move involuntarily. I don’t know how.  
I am turned around, but I'm staring at the ground. I won’t look up, I can’t look up. I won’t look into that flashlight eye.  
“Dipper.” Mabel sing-songs. “Look up.”  
So I do. And he is there. Like I thought he would be. Eyes wide, I’m a deer in the headlights. A deer illuminated by a single flashlight. One flashlight eye. How is it that these things are still after me. I don’t understand. I can’t.  
“Oh Pinetree. You’ll understand eventually, you will.”  
No I can’t understand, I won-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you understand something after you're buried in the ground?


	20. l.i.f.t.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flickers - Son Lux

Lift me up. Take me with you, I can’t stand these people. They’re idiots. They’re so stupid, I want to die. Every time one of them speaks I want to kill myself. So take me with you. I want to go. It’s out of my own free will, I swear. This is what’s supposed to happen, this is where I’m supposed to be. No one believes me, I’ve been branded as a liar. There’s no point me being here, this is what’s supposed to happen. Please. Please take me with you. I can’t stand this. Hurry, they’re going to realize I’m gone soon. Take me with you, this is what’s supposed to happen. This is meant to be. Fate. This is what’s supposed to happen, this is where I’m supposed to be. Please.


	21. This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long compared to my other fanfiction, but still short thing about older dipper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we buy things we dont need  
> with money we dont have  
> to impress people we dont like

Dipper listened to the city noises through his apartments open window: traffic, cars, honking, crickets, dogs barking, far away talking, a shout, cats fighting in an alley way; some of the noises were unidentifiable. He rolled over, away from the window, and felt his head sink further into his pillows. You were supposedly supposed to replace them once every year. But he didn’t have the time; or the money. His mattress creaked as he tried to wriggle his feet out of his socks. You were supposed to replace your mattress once every seven years. He had only had this mattress for one, but it felt like the worst mattress he’d ever slept on in his life. The night wore on, and Dipper kept moving around. Rolling over, turning the lamp on and off, thinking, sipping from the glass of water beside his bedside table, getting up to go the washroom, turning the tap on and off. The life of an insomniac. Dipper sat in his living room, drinking water, but wishing he was drinking coffee. Even though coffee would make this whole thing worse. Dipper flicked through the movies on Netflix. He went through the cult classics, the horror, the adventure. He looked up “movies to watch for insomnia.” He ended up taking a movie out of the cult classic section, that also had ties to insomnia.

“Fight Club.” Mumbled Dipper. Playing the movie and going to the adjoined kitchen to get a bottle of some cheap corner store alcohol. He needed something more sustaining to watch a movie with. The narrator began talking, and Dipper swished the drink around, feeling the canker sores in his mouth ignite with painful tingling. The movie went on, and Dippers eyelids felt heavy, yet sleep was unforthcoming. And he knew exactly how the narrator felt. Unable to sleep, unable to cry. Dipper had been unable to cry for a long time. He didn’t know how he was feeling half the time, his whole being had become so desensitized. He didn’t even know why. Gravity Falls probably.

“Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.”

Science. Dipper liked that. Or he thought he did. Now he didn’t know. He was majoring in some sort of like, whatever, but at this point he couldn’t remember one set of notes from the other, or one animal’s spleen from another animal's liver. Or kidney. Or some other weird crap biology. He couldn’t tell a historical record from a fictional novel. He was living a dream, inside a dream, inside a dream. Like the narrator, everything felt like a copy, of a copy, of a copy. Dipper got engrossed in the movie. The stage blood looked so real, and the bruises so poignant. The actors characters were so alive. Everything was so real.

“I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke.”

“Hey, you created me. I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!”

Dipper was rewinding and forwarding the movie, replaying the same scene over and over again. Listening to different points of dialogue, seeing the movie in a disjointed manner. The way Dipper watched Fight Club was anarchy. It was exactly how Tyler Durden would have wanted someone to experience the movie.

“If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”

Fast forward. Pause.

“WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Ok, you are now firing a gun at your 'imaginary friend' near 400 GALLONS OF NITROGLYCERINE!”

Rewind. Pause.

“Marla's philosophy of life is that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.”

Dipper agreed with that because thinking back, every time him and Mabel had won to Bill, was a tragedy. They had to go on, and keep fighting, and keep being scared. And winning, and having false hope. Always false hope. If this apartment complex went up in flames while Dipper was smashed out of his mind (looking around there were empty bottles everywhere) and weirdly obsessing over Fight Club, he wouldn’t even care. Actually scratch that, he’d care, because he’d finally be happy.

“Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They're single-serving friends.”

The lone apartment, with one thin mattress, a pillow that was probably eleven years old, single serve microwave dinners, a closet full of one person's clothes. The list goes on. It didn’t bother Dipper. Not really. Probably. That’s at least what he told himself. It’s the thought that counts.

“I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more.”

Dipper had ran away so many times in his life. From dissections, from makeovers, from beatings, from Bill.

“Where'd you go, psycho boy?”

I’m right here.

“I felt like destroying something beautiful.”

I’m beautiful.

“People do it everyday, they talk to themselves... they see themselves as they'd like to be, they don't have the courage you have, to just run with it.”

Where’s the figment of my imagination? If I’m so much like the narrator, where’s my split personality? Who is it? Who in my life is fake? Will I have to shoot myself in front of everyone I know to find out? Was it Bill? Is it Careena? Mabel? Gravity Falls itself?

“You're insane.”

No I’m drunk.

“No, you're insane.”

No, I’m insane.

“Fuck what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that's your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me.”

“We have front row seats for this theatre of mass destruction. The demolitions committee of Project Mayhem wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin. In two minutes primary charges will blow base charges and a few square blocks will be reduced to smouldering rubble. I know this, because Tyler knows this.”

“All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.”

Time for the last lines. Was Dipper ready to finish this movie? It was 4 in the morning. Still fairly dark out. Kind of. Once Dipper had heard the last lines, he couldn’t go back. He was done the movie. He’d have to stop. He’d have to crawl out of this weird, self pitying pit of oblivion, he’d have to go back to bed. Or what resembled a bed. And he’d have to sleep, or do something that resembled sleep, or at least trying to sleep.

“You met me at a very strange time in my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't.


	22. Gettin Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> older dip, don't even worry

Stupid in the streets, stupid in the sheets. That’s what she said when she left. Dipper groaned and looked at the crumpled sheets on the floor and the indent where she had just been. He shuffled around on his apartments floor looking for his boxers. In the bathroom, while brushing his teeth in the mirror, he half expected to see a red slap mark on his cheek. But all he had to expose her were those words rolling around in his head. Fuck growing up, if this was what he got, he’d rather be back in Gravity Falls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stupid stupid stupid


	23. Runnin Runnin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Wendy. You tried :(

Wendy was running. She could hear laughing in the distance, it was a robotic, crackly kind of laugh. It sent a strange sort of fear and adrenaline coursing through her. She felt the earth beneath her feet, she felt the trees looming over her, and the sun trying to make it’s way through the dense forest.

“Help!” Dipper yelled from behind her.

Wendy jumped over a log.

“Please!”

She kept sprinting.

“Wendy! Help me!” Dipper screamed.

She wanted to turn around, Wendy really really did. She wanted to help Dipper. She didn’t want to have to go back to Stan and Mabel and Soos and everyone. She didn’t want to have to be the one to carry the horrible news through the door. They would all assume she’d done her best, she’d never admit to running away, but she’d have to face them at work. The sound of Mabel sobbing in the attic, and the way everyone else tried to keep going with work, but how Stan would probably stop moving in the middle of something to stare into space. Or his excited demeanour would fade out into a frown for a fraction of a second while giving a tour. Or Soos would go home for a while, saying he had to help his mom, but really he couldn’t stand the sight of the Mystery Shack without Dipper in it.

She couldn’t hear anything anymore. She told herself it was because she was to far away to hear anything. She didn’t want to think of the alternative. She ran and she felt the muscles in her legs begin to rip apart. She ran and it felt like someone was pumping mud through her veins. Yet she kept on. And on, and on, and on. She stopped in the forest, falling to her hands and knees. She felt the hard ground stick into her legs through her jeans. She moved her hands through the brittle yellow grass. Her hands were shaking, and they moved strangely as she watched blood smear the little yellow blades. Her tears dripped down her cheeks. When she finally collapsed, her face into the ground, her whole body aching on the cold forest floor, she felt the blood and tears smear on to her cheek. She didn’t know how she would go home. For now she didn’t have to. Exhaustion overtook her. It was a dreamless sleep, except for a distant cry for help that would penetrate the fog every now and then.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more." - The Narrator, Fight Club


End file.
